Earlier today in Deadspin’s staff chat room, our editor Tim Marchman and I floated the idea of a “Fuck The Warriors” post, which would fully acknowledge everything great and fun and astonishing about these Golden State Warriors but also air out the completely irrational hatred he and I both feel toward them in our capacity as sour, resentful cranks. Our coworkers pretty much unanimously reacted as I imagine they would if we pitched them on a video of me burning down an orphanage. Fuck them, and fuck the Warriors. It’s partly your fault, Internet. Partly what I hate is you. Get off their jocks, you front-runners! In last night’s win (of course it was a win, they always win because they have broken the sport of basketball, God I hate them), Steph Curry extended his arms above his head, opened his hands, hopped maybe six inches, and caught an offensive rebound that came directly to him. Three Miami Heat players were standing in the general vicinity of the … [Read more...] about The Warriors Are The Best Team Ever, And They Can Eat Shit
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering March Madness, ugly foods, boogers, and more. Before we get deep into the bowels of the Funbag, one quick note: I’m out next week on Spring Break with my kids. This will not be like your Spring Break. Your Spring Break will be in Lake Havasu surrounded by fruity drinks and horny twentysomethings. I, on the other hand, will be stuck in Virginia traffic yelling at people. That’s my fate, and I have accepted it. So no Funbag next week. Now, your letters: Patrick: I will go up to 50 feet out of my way to pee outside on a nice day. This is assuming no one in the neighborhood is peeking over the back fence. Where are the best places to urinate outside? You’ve come to the right place, sir. As a connoisseur of outdoor urination, I have peed in a great many outdoor spaces, sometimes legally! HEAVEN. Anyway, the key to a good outdoor piss is … [Read more...] about The Best Places To Urinate Outside, Ranked
I was asleep last year when Warren Beatty, who last made a good movie before the advent of the steam engine, and Faye Dunaway botched the Best Picture announcement for Moonlight. I have very few regrets about this because I just watched it on YouTube the next day and because, if you go by the analytics, sleeping through the Oscars is always the correct decision. The data is ironclad. In fact, it’s an even shrewder move to skip the Oscars this year, because there’s no way they’ll fuck up as badly, and as amusingly, as they did last year. The Academy will install 67 different fail-safe triggers to ensure that the Best Picture announcement proceeds according to custom. Once more, it will go back to being a forgettable capstone to a frantic blitz of important awards presented at the very end of the show, when everyone is already bored to death and just wants to go home. That’s the way the Academy likes it, and that’s the way it’s gonna be. And so I … [Read more...] about The 2018 Hater’s Guide To The Oscars
Earlier this week, Kara Haupt of The New Yorker sent out an edition of her email newsletter under the subject line “Sleeping with Men,” focusing on the fact that many adult men apparently do not use a top sheet. Just a fitted sheet and a comforter and nothing in between, making for a situation that strikes me as gross, uncomfortable and something that should not be seen outside of a freshman dorm. The idea that real-life human males live like this seemed insane to me, so I asked the largest group of idiot adult men that I know: my coworkers. I was stunned to be met with, “I still don’t totally understand what a top sheet is, which I guess means I don’t use one... Y’all need better duvet covers! Mine is soft and good.” That’s a direct quote from deputy editor Barry Petchesky, who last month shared that he washes his face with dish soap. He went on to claim that you can wash a duvet cover just as easily and as often as a normal person … [Read more...] about Do You Use A Top Sheet, Or Are You A Disgusting Heathen?
It’s grad season again, and this year’s crop of commencement addresses promises to ring even more hollow than usual now that graduating seniors are leaving school to step into the End Times. I mean, really: what fucking good is gonna come from you hearing about working hard and/or growing from your mistakes when the newly elected most powerful man in world got into his lofty position by doing precisely none of those things? I may as well tell you to start robbing banks. The hell if I know what’s gonna work out for you and what won’t. In fact, USA Today just reported that many college speakers are actively avoiding any mention of President Trump, or the fact that his existence means The Black Gates Of Hell have opened and will soon swallow us whole. “Anybody whose commencement speech could be put on the editorial page of a newspaper doesn’t understand the job,” said Anthony Esolen, an English literature scholar who will speak at Hillsdale … [Read more...] about Walk: A Message To The Class Of 2017